From “Me” to “We”

I am still in the newly married category, and I have realized that I need to think more about what it means to do something for “us” rather than for “me.” I think I am still viewing what I am doing, being at home, as a “me” thing. Even though I thought that I viewed it as an “us” thing. For one thing, I have been enjoying myself so much that it hardly feels like a sacrifice or work. I have loved cooking and the cleaning hasn’t been so bad yet. I am also enjoying growing and learning in my other projects as well. But I realized I that I should think about this subject more this past weekend when Joel and I tried to clean up the house together. Really, I wanted us to move in our stuff more, since we still had things that needed to “find a home” and since he has about a million boxes in our room full of books. But as we were beginning to work, I noticed Joel make a comment that seemed so cliché, he said that he has been working all week and didn’t want to clean on Friday. Because he doesn’t work on Friday, so it provides him some off time. As it turns out, we did end up moving some of our stuff around, which I think is good. Joel and I haven’t totally moved in, and we do need to continue to put things away so that we don’t have boxes in the room anymore. But I realized that he really has been working all week and have I? Yes, I have been working too, at home. But I remembered that part of my working at home is to take care of cleaning and putting things away so that he doesn’t have those jobs at home on top of his teaching. I realized that we were a team, I don’t have to prepare for classes, turn in paper work, grade papers, and create lectures. He does that. And thanks to him doing that, I have time to cook, clean, educate myself and do my crafts. It’s not so much that I realized that I should be taking care of everything and he shouldn’t lift a finger at home. But I guess I finally got it that I do want to make sure that he doesn’t have the extra stress of house stuff. He has been doing great with school, but I can tell that he can get a little stressed if he has to worry about much other than school. So I want to do a better job of thinking about us.

I know that when we have kids, I don’t want it to be where I am the only one cleaning every one’s messes, the children need to clean up after themselves. And Joel and I were talking about how we had to start with us. If we have good habits, then the children will cooperate with those habits easier. So Joel does have to pick up after himself, and he does. He does help me fill the dishwasher after eating, and he will clean up the various messes he makes. But every once in a while, maybe because I didn’t have the dishwasher emptied before we ate, then he wont do the dishes after we eat. And I think for a minute that he should be helping me with this. But then I realize, really it is ok because I have the time to do the dishes and he doesn’t. So when we have kids, and when I have less time due to having kids, then Joel might have to do a little extra work around the house. But that is how Joel & I agreed to live. We agreed to not have our roles automatically decided for us, but that instead we should do what makes sense to us in the current situation, knowing it can change when our situations change. So for now, while Joel is a new teacher and is under a lot of stress and while I am working at home without having children yet, I can pick up a lot more housework than him.

Another thing that I want to think more about is preparing for having children. And in this case, I mean preparing for teaching them. I want to prepare my soul for the attitudes I want to take towards my children, prepare my mind for the religious and educational things I want to teach them. So in this regard, Joel and I have started to read the bible daily, and I am also going to educate myself more on homeschooling. Although, first, I guess I have chosen to reread Heidegger’s book called Being & Time because Joel and I had a conversation about one of the topics, and it made me want to read it again. Basically, I want to keep “us” in mind again, though. I want to be sure that the things I am making time for at home are primarily things for us. Preparing for homeschool is something that we as parents need to do if we are serious about it. So that is definitely for us. And working on my soul is important for us too, just as Joel takes time out to work on his soul as well.

Consequently, I just want to keep working on that shift from thinking about “me” to thinking about “us.” It is all part of the process of coming together that we vowed to do.