"I'm Not Picky Today"

I am definitely pretty particular about some things, and it has been fun discovering what I am picky about. Since we have gotten married, we discovered that I don't like the way Joel pours the milk in my cereal: he usually pours too much and I don't like soggy cereal (unlike him), so I like there to be a lot of the cereal sticking out of the milk. So I'll ask him to pour me some cereal please, and then when he does, I don't like it!! Other things we have discovered are: the way he makes my protein smoothies. I don't really like the taste of the protein in smoothies, but eat them for the protein of course. So when I make a smoothie, I make it really small and thick. This is hard for Joel to make because it is really hard to mix it all up since it is so thick and it would be so much easier if I would just pour more liquid in there. So when Joel has made me smoothies before, I am pretty much never satisfied with it (they always have too much liquid). I like it so thick because it means I only have to consume a half a glass instead of a whole glass but get the same amount of protein.

Given that I am picky, I have finally quit asking him to make my things that I am particular about. But something funny happened lately. I asked Joel, "Will you make me some toast please?" (He was making some for himself.) Then he said something about how he might have messed one up, and I said, "Don't worry, today I am in a rare mood - I am not picky today!" And so I waited at the table while he made me some toast, and when he brought it to me, I looked at it and laughed. "Joel, I am sorry, but when I said I wasn't in a picky mood, I didn't even think you would give me this." Basically, when I saw Joel's toast, it looked yummy with butter on it, so I wanted toast and butter, and didn't think that could be messed up. But Joel wasn't finished making his toast when I saw it, he had put raspberry jelly on top (the sugar free kind with splenda). So I didn't even consider he would put the jelly on for me, but he didn't consider not to put the jelly on, because he thought I wanted toast like he was having it. So he had to eat 4 pieces of toast and make me another one, with only butter! He was like, here I was thinking this was such a rare event, wow, Melissa isn't picky, almost thinking can this be true? But I guess it can't be true!

Then just the next day, I asked him to "do my tea for me" and by that I meant only that I wanted him to remove the tea bag from the cup, I don't like doing it because it is hot and Joel doesn't seem to mind it as much. And I was planning on adding my own sugar and creamer because I like to put real sugar in mine and Joel likes to use splenda. But he took "do my tea" to mean take out the tea bag and put in creamer and splenda. So when he hands me my tea, I was like "Oh...well...Um, never mind, this is great! Thanks!" Because I feel bad for being so picky all the time!! But we laughed about it. And it is true that these last two occasions were more of communication problems. I have a picture in my head of what or how I want him to do something but I say it in such a way that you can hardly blame him for doing it the way he did it.

Cleaning Up Books Is A Dangerous Endeavor

As you might know, both Joel & I love books! We were moving the furniture around in our room, and one was a bookshelf. So we took all the books off, and moved the shelf, and then needed to put all the books back on the shelf. We were trying to get this done in a timely fashion, since we have a lot to do, but Joel says, "Oh, this is a dangerous project." And literally, it wasn't more than 3 minutes until we both had books open, in hand, sitting down!!! The part that made me laugh so much was that we didn't do this as a joke or to prove the point, we both genuinely became interested in a book we were supposed to be putting on the shelf!! And we both quit working! Since Joel is really the one in charge of the bookshelf move, I looked up from my book, said, "Get back to work!" and then put my head back in my book! He laughed and made me put up my book before he would do the same! We did finish our rearranging in the room, but it was funny, and true about how with us, cleaning up books is a dangerous endeavor!

Attachment Marriaging

I have been reading about attachment parenting since we are preparing to have our first baby. In general, I agree with a lot of the ideas, because I agree with the parenting philosophy behind it all that you don’t need experts to tell you things about parenting. Parenting “experts” have all kinds of misguided views, for example many are concerned with teaching you how not to spoil your baby or how to not let the baby take control of you or manipulate you. However, I don’t want to talk about parenting here. I want to talk about marriage. Joel & I have created the joke that we are practicing attachment marriaging because we like to be together all the time and do things together. Many people today think it is smarter to have your own separate bank accounts so that no one person, usually the man who makes all the money, will control the relationship. That might be necessary for some people, but not for Joel and me. We share it all and don’t have trouble with one person controlling the whole financial situation. We can talk honestly about wanting to buy things, and we help each other to not spend so much money on things we don’t need and to keep our whole financial picture in mind.

Anyway, so Joel likes his laundry done twice a week, and somehow I have really not taken part in making that happen. Even though we agreed that I am to do the primary cooking and cleaning, I just don’t seem to ever do the laundry. But now that we just had a baby shower, we had two whole loads of laundry that needed to be done for the baby. And I was so excited about it. I was like, Joel, do you have any laundry you need done? He was like Yes! And I happily did the laundry because I was excited to be washing the baby’s clothes. And while folding, Joel folded his and I folded the baby’s. I was telling Joel how much I loved doing the laundry for the baby, and how it reminded me of the first time I did my own laundry when I was younger and how I felt so grown up. And now with washing the baby’s clothes, I feel like I am growing up again. And then I realized, wouldn’t it be nice if I felt that way about doing Joel’s laundry? How much better would it be if I felt like, wow, I am doing my husband’s laundry, I am growing up! And this is going to make him happy and look nice and not be stressed about what to wear, etc… No, somehow I have protected myself against those thoughts. I think from the beginning, I have been worried about being taken advantage of. I was worried about Joel using me, or not being fair, or leaving me to all the unintellectual work. And I realize now that that is just what I am against with all the current parenting experts. I think their advice to me to protect myself from my baby’s manipulations would really keep me from really being attached to my baby. And I feel like with all the advice or worried I have about being married and not letting Joel take advantage of me has gotten in the way of our relationship.

There are some differences from parenting and being married. For one, adults are able to manipulate each other, and also Joel and I certainly do love each other, so its not like we have a big strain in our marriage. We are definitely attached. But I just realized that it would be good to work more on allowing myself to have the attitude of happily doing things for Joel because it does make our lives better and our relationship stronger. Some people really need to worry about being taken advantage of, but I am not married to “some people”. I am married to Joel, and I have definitely seen that he isn’t out to take advantage of me. And he only wants laundry done twice a week because he runs out of clean clothes and needs them for school. I know how stressed he is with school, and it really isn’t hard to do laundry so why don’t I do it? And why don’t I enjoy doing it? I think a part of me gets caught up in the idea that I am very smart and could be “working” so sometimes it is a challenge to feel like I am not wasting my good brain on being a housewife. But it is really important to sort through these feelings, because honestly, if I were working, I would have to do all kinds of things that I don’t want to do either. Such as paperwork, meetings, dealing with problems that arise, it wouldn’t all be fun and stimulating. There are certainly a lot of hoops you have to jump through. Joel had a lot of stress putting together the 16 applications that he sent out this semester for a full time position. That certainly took a lot of time, and he had to write various essays or answer questions and fill out forms and order papers, and have it all out by a deadline, and in the end, he didn’t end up getting any of those jobs. So his work was certainly thankless in some sense. Whereas, when I do the laundry, I get to see Joel’s smiling face or get to enjoy an absence of his extra stress in the morning when needing clothes. Housework is not always a thankless job. Maybe Joel won’t say thanks every time I do the laundry, but while I am doing the act of laundering, I know that someone has to do it, and I am making our lives better. I feel much better about doing our laundry than I do about filling out applications, I definitely hate those things. And it is not true that all I do is work anyways, sometimes I spend many hours on housework a day, and other times I don’t. But I have a lot of time to pursue my intellectual interests. And I have had a lot of time to read about and prepare for birth and parenting, by doing fun projects, meeting people, and reading. And I have the big and definitely fun job of preparing to teach our children in homeschool. That to me is the ultimate intellectual stimulation because I get to teach without all the aspects of the school system that I despise.

In conclusion, I have realized that I want to redirect my thoughts, actions and attitude towards attachment marriageing. I know that it will really benefit Joel & me and enrich our relationship.

Projects

Lately, Joel & I have been doing a few projects to prepare for the baby. We have come to a realization about our different working styles. Here is how things went with trying to make a stuffed animal for the baby.

We decided a few weeks ago to each make a stuffed animal for the baby. I chose that I wanted to make a cat pretty quickly, and Joel wasn’t totally sure what he wanted to make. So he researched stuffed animals online while I thought about how I wanted the cat to go. Then he decided he would make a snake to start off with, mostly because it would be a easier project to begin with. So step one complete, it took me about 2 seconds to decide my animal and no research, it took Joel a few hours of research to come up with his.

Then we went to the fabric store. At Wal-Mart, they didn’t have a great selection, and I hadn’t really thought a lot about what color I wanted to make the cat. I looked around at the colors, textures and prices, and decided that I liked this bright green receiving blanket material. It was soft and made for kids and looked good. Joel didn’t have as much luck the first time around because he was looking for felt, and they didn’t have a good selection of felt. He had decided he wanted to make a coral snake, so he needed black, red and yellow. I don’t think they had more than one of those in felt. We asked and heard that there was a Hancock’s Fabric close by. So we decided to go there for his material. I purchased a yard of fabric and Joel left empty handed. So step two complete for me, I didn’t have a specific thing in mind and was flexible about what I would make it out of (putting more emphasis on the wanting to make it today rather than on what exactly it will look like).

As it turns out, that day Joel was unable to make it to the fabric store because we came home, ate and then it was already time for him to go to Mass. So I dropped him off and went to the fabric store since it was right across from his church. They certainly had a huge selection there, but I couldn’t buy anything for Joel because I knew he would need to see it himself.

Later that day, I got started on making the cat while Joel did some more research online for what he wanted the snake to look like. Joel said, don’t you want to look up online a pattern or how you will make it? I said no, I can put it together in my head. Who needs a pattern! So I did some thinking for how to cut it and put it together, and got working. So step three for me, I began the process of actually making the animal.

Two days later, I was finished with the stuffed animal. So final step – complete!

I do have an advantage over Joel because he is busy during the weeks with his 5 classes, so he doesn’t have a lot of time to devote to making the stuffed animal. That is certainly one thing that contributed to his not getting to the fabric store until the next weekend.

We went to the fabric store and Joel didn’t find anything he really liked there. The prices were a lot more than Wal-Mart and he still didn’t find the felt he was looking for. So no snake this week.

The next week, he went to the Wal-Mart that is 40 minutes from us near a campus he teaches at. I don’t remember if he ended up buying fabric there. But I know that by the end of that week, he had decided to switch to flannel and he was able to get the red and the while fabric, but they didn’t have black. Luckily, we went to visit my parents in another city, and the Wal-Mart there had black. So finally, two weeks later, Step 2 of gathering materials is complete for Joel.

Then the next weekend, which was just yesterday, he began step three of making the snake. He wanted to use the sewing machine rather than to hand sew it like I had done. He wanted more even and nice looking stitches. I just enjoy making things by hand, and while he worked on the snake, I put together a heart shaped pin cushion. Joel looked online a little more for how he wanted to make it, and then he began the process. In just a few hours, the snake was almost complete. He had put together the whole body, and it looked great! All that is lacking is a head and the snake needed to be stuffed. Since the snake is so long, we need to buy a stick from Wal-Mart to push the stuffing way down. But as today is Monday, he won’t be able to finish it until next weekend.

So first observation is the time difference, Joel takes significantly longer to make a project than me. Even when you account for his teaching days, he still takes longer because he puts more time planning it, he wants it to be perfect and he takes his time getting started because he doesn’t want to make mistakes. I on the other hand, just jump right in, and get it done. We knew this about each other while we were in school because I would spend 4 to 8 hours writing a paper, and would complete the rough draft in one long go, where Joel on the other hand would sit for 4 to 8 hours in front of his computer ending in only a paragraph at most. If you watch him, he would begin to write a sentence, and then rewrite it, and then write five versions of it and then think on it for a while, and after an hour he might have decided on how he wanted that sentence to go. It drove me crazy watching him!! He was never late on a paper though, and always started early. And once his rough draft was complete, there was very little he needed to change to make it a final. He writes almost perfectly the first time! Unlike me, once my rough draft is complete, then I have about 2 to 3 major revisions just to catch all the grammar mistakes I made.

We know that just ultimately my way nor his is truly better, because they both have their strong and weak points. For my way, I get things done, and am less stressed about it and in the case of the stuffed animal, there are mistakes which I think add character and make it cute, but Joel & I both agree the stuffed animal looks great! For Joel, he will never finish too soon from the date he started, and he does stress out about it more. But we definitely both agree that his final projects turn out wonderfully as well, and with very little mistakes.

This has been important for us to realize about each other, because I always want us to do a project together and to finish it. Like when we plan to start a painting at the same time, but he is “researching” all up to the time I am done painting. And I get frustrated about it because I want to be painting with him, but he ends up painting a few days later! But I don’t know why I get so frustrated about it. I just need to recognize that about him and give him the time he needs. Because his art work is definitely beautiful!

But another aspect of the whole thing that I haven’t yet written about is what happens if we try to do a project together rather than doing separate projects. Yesterday, after Joel made his snake, we began making a sling together. Already at the beginning, I was ready to cut and sew, to get into it, and Joel needed more time to understand the project and what we were doing. He kept getting frustrated with my attitude for wanting to get going, and I got upset at his attitude for thinking we were going to ruin the whole thing by not knowing what was going on and that we would waste all the fabric. But we got started, more quickly than Joel would like, and after about step 3, we discovered that there was a problem and that it wasn’t going to work. We needed to start over. Oh that was just too much for Joel, he went and laid down for a little bit, and I got frustrated because this isn’t that big of a deal. We can figure it out, make adjustments and not all will be wasted. So I started over with a new piece of fabric and Joel was watching me sew, but trying to help me. I hadn’t used a sewing machine really at all, and I was having a rough start making the seam. I wanted to do it without Joel’s hands there so that I could learn but he didn’t like watching all the mistakes I was making in it. So he cut it off, and helped me sew a new seam. But when we picked that sling up, we realized that it is too long, and the one we made before was too short. Joel just couldn’t take it. We were a little unhappy with each other for a while, then he went to Mass, and I said I looked forward to seeing him come home in a good mood. While he was gone, I cut some fabric to add to the shorter one. I had to rip the seam we made, sew on the added parts and then join it all together again. I had music on, felt happy and relaxed and enjoyed making it. The seams weren’t perfect, but they were pretty good and I definitely got a hang of using the sewing machine. When Joel got back, he was happy with how it looked and we both tried it on and took photos. We had a short talk about how we are different, and how things work out great both ways of doing things but how we both cant stand to do it each other’s ways. So we agreed to never do a joint project basically. But its fun when you both produce something and you can see the differences in style and work.

Good Intentions

I don't like to do the laundry very often - maybe once a month - but Joel would like it done twice a week, so usually he ends up doing the laundry. This seems to stress him out a lot since we have to do laundry in the laundry facility in our apartment. So last night, while he was gone teaching, I decided to do the laundry so that he wouldn't be stressed out. I knew he would be happy and surprised. I started at about 8:00pm and I thought I would be done before 10, which is when I expected Joel to be home. As it turns out, I put one of our loads of laundry in the "slow" one without knowing it. But there was a nice, talkative woman in the laundry room as well, so I was just doing the laundry and waiting for it while talking to her. Then before I knew it Joel comes in and he is like "I can't believe you are here, I came home and couldn't find you and you are always home when I come home so I thought the worst. I thought you had gotten hurt and went to the hospital by ambulance. I didn't know what to do and where to go." He said, "When I saw you weren't there, my thoughts didn't go to a normal conclusion, like maybe she is washing clothes, but instead they went to the morgue!" Poor Joel!! I was trying to do his laundry to save him time and not stress him, because I knew he has a lot of papers to grade tonight and applications to fill out and as it turns out I ended up scaring him for a while anyways! But after it was all over, as we were going to sleep he said that he is really happy that I did the laundry because it does help him out. So it wasn't for nothing. Next time, I will leave him a note, even if I think that I will be back before him. (I think it's nice how overly concerned he is especially now that I am pregnant, although I do feel bad that it scared him)

Leave Your Father and Mother and Cling to Your Husband

At various times I think about the idea of leaving your mother and father and clinging to your husband. I think this is an area where our age difference comes into play. I found it almost impossible at the thought of not being with my family at Christmas since I have never missed a year. But this is a problem because that would mean I am never willing to go to Joel's family's house at Christmas. And I sometimes leave Joel since he has to stay home due to work, to go to visit my family since they are only 2 hours away. But more and more I am realizing that I am married now and that it does mean that things are changing now. My older sister Steph is realizing this now as well since she lives 12 hours away and has a baby. This was the first year that she was unable to make it home for Christmas. I think it is a sad time for all of us since we are a close family to go through this because it is definitely a transitioning time. Lindsay is about to graduate college this May, and so everyone is going through big changes. It makes it a little harder since we have a 12 year old sister Tori who is home and wanting us to be able to visit and be home like normal. More and more I am understanding that things do change, and that this is part of growing up. And how fast the time went! I think in general, I will always see members of my family often since we are so close and really want to stay in contact. But there will definitely be changes over the next years to come too. I saw how it was for Joel to miss out on visiting his family this Christmas, and it made me realize that we will definitely see his family on some Christmases too. It is not always easy to leave your family and make your own family, but it is part of life. Luckily we both love both of our families very much and we want to be able to see them often and have them be able to get to meet the new members of our family every time we have children. We will just have to take things one holiday at a time and it will all get worked out.

Wedding Ring

For months now Joel has been without his wedding ring because he lost it somewhere in the house. I found it today while going through a stack of receipts that we had put in a box to go through later! I had been meaning to post something here recently, but since Joel finally gets to wear his wedding ring now, I figured I should finally get to updating this blog again too!! I am not sure if I am going to keep up this blog after the baby is born, we will see. But for now, things are going great with us. We are both excited because Joel's church is having a retreat for married couples at the end of May. We really had such a great time at the Engaged Encounter retreat that we attended before we got married, so we are looking forward to having a similar experience. I am also glad for the retreat because it gives us a few days to focus on our marriage and each other. We are also excited at the though that I will be very pregnant at the time as well! (the retreat center is only a few exits down the highway from our house, on the way to the birthing center, so it won't be like going out of town or anything) I think it will give us some help in remembering each other when the baby is born. They offer these marriage retreats every year, so if we have another good time, then we want to try to go every year. But that is a few months away, so I am going to try to post on here more often in order to keep reflecting on our relationship in the mean time.

Joel is the best husband for a pregnant woman!

I recall when Joel and I were dating and we first began talking about having kids. We discovered through talking about it that we wanted to have a large family. As I have mentioned a few times, our dating relationship wasn’t always stable and when we would break up or be unhappy with each other, I would always be a little sad at the thought of not having a family with Joel. I know he said while I was in Pittsburgh and we weren’t talking for a little while, that he felt like if I were to get married and have kids with someone else that he would feel like he really missed out on that. And I remember sometime in college when I was walking and thinking about Joel and how I didn’t want us to separate because I know he would make such a great partner when I would be pregnant. I could just tell by the way he talked about pregnancy and by the way he had taken care of me when I was sick.

Needless to say, both of us are definitely overjoyed to be married to each other and to be beginning that large, loving family that we fantasized about together. And since I am pregnant, Joel has proved to be just how I thought he would be. He helps try to remind me to take my vitamins, and helps encourage me to eat when I don’t like the taste of anything. But he is also very patient with me when I take forever to decide what to eat. He loves hearing about and noticing every little change. He started talking to my stomach before our baby even had ears! He doesn’t get mad when I sleep all day and he makes sure to take time out to take me to the park when I want to. (I love the park close by because it has a fun swing) And he does a wonderful job of still making me feel beautiful when I wear nothing but sweat pants and don’t shower for days. He just loves me and loves that we are pregnant and I love him too!

New Technique

When Joel & I can't work something out by words, or when talking seems to make things more confusing and worse - we just be quiet and hug!

In the past I would never do this because I always put such an emphasis on working things out verbally. I think that talking things out is important and essential to working certain issues out. However, sometimes you need to let things go, let them be, or realize that talking isn't going to bring you closer, so you just physically get closer.

Sometimes by becoming physically close, we are better able to stay close with our words after that.

Stubbornness

It started off as a normal car ride. Joel & I were driving to the night class he teaches which is 40 miles away. I like to accompany him sometimes because it gives us more time together and I enjoy working on reading or writing in the library at the school. I was getting a little cold, and would turn the air off. But Joel was kind of warm, so he would quickly turn it back on. So then I had an idea to close my vents and turn the air on full blast. I said, “There, now you can have all the cold you want!” (I was joking and expected him to turn it off). I also picked up my sweater and put it over me, so that the cold would not effect me. Joel, however, didn’t turn off the air, he wanted to show that he could handle what I dished out. So he pretends like he is just fine. And I pretend like I am just fine. But then Joel starts to get pretty cold, and his cold hand starts to pull at my sweater, saying, “Oh what’s this…” trying to pull it off me so that I will not be able to stand the air either. He kept trying to get my sweater, and I jokingly accused him of using lowly tactics, and therefore that I was winning. He said, no I wasn’t winning, that he was winning because he was able to stand it. And I said he could hardly stand it because he was trying to take my sweater away! We are still both in a joking spirit, but are stubborn at the same time. So then he starts saying that it is ethical of me to turn it off because I am the one responsible for turning it on HI. He kept saying this silly argument about how I should feel bad for making my husband cold and that since I was the one who turned it on, then it was my responsibility to turn it off and that it had nothing to do with winning or losing, but that it was my responsibility. I wasn’t buying it. I knew if I turned it off, then I would lose, and I knew he was being silly in trying to get himself to win. And so we drive on jokingly arguing, with me saying how silly his argument is and that I don’t buy it, and with him continuing to try to convince me of my moral duty. Then once we are finally close to the school, he changes his tune. He says that he had convinced himself about how it was my moral responsibility, but he now sees that he was full of it, and that he can handle it. Since the end was in sight, he gained the energy to make it to the end. He was really cold by then, and I wasn’t doing as bad as him, but my hair was freezing and felt really cold on my head, neck and face. So he begins to tell me how he will have won soon because he isn’t going to turn it off and that he will have demonstrated to me that he can handle what I gave him. But I explained to him that with all his trying to pull my sweater and with his trying to convince me that I needed to turn it off, then he was full of it and that I had won because he wasn’t able to handle it well. He laughingly tried to make the case that he still won, and I laughingly continued to explain why he had lost. So we finally make it to park, and we turn off the car, without either of us turning the air back to the off position. We can’t help but to joke about how silly we are being, but we also couldn’t stand the idea of giving up either. Even though we knew we were being silly, neither of us could totally give it up because we did care about winning!

So we are happy and he goes on to class and I go to the library.

Then after class, we were in a nice conversation about some art that we just looked at (it was displayed at the college) and we get in the car like normal, and he turns on the car, and the air is up on HI. At first, I don’t think about it, since we are in the middle of a conversation, so I reach to turn the air off, but then I glance at Joel’s face and he is sitting there, looking at the air, with this little half smile on his face. It suddenly occurred to me that his smile meant he thought he was going to win!!!! Then our silly game came back to me fast and I jerked my hand away from the air conditioner knob. He laughed at me saying, did you see your face, and how you jerked back. And I laughed at him saying, did you see your face and how you thought you had me! And then we found each other right back where we left off!! Neither of us was going to touch it, and it was cold! So he starts driving, and he says I am being stubborn for not turning it off, and I say how he is just as stubborn as me for not doing it either!! And we are just so ridiculous!! So finally I say, ok how about we both turn it off together. Ok? And he was hesitant, but he said ok, and we turned it off together. Whew! It’s finally over.

It was so remarkable how we both knew how silly it was, but that we still both almost couldn’t stop. I thought it was a pretty funny way of displaying something about us. We are stubborn and equally so which is why we do get into arguments and because we both want to win. Although, we don’t always think it is that we want to win, because when it is about a more serious subject, then we don’t realize how we are convincing ourselves of something just because we want to be right. We know that we are like this with games as well, because when we play mastermind, neither of us want to quit if the other person won. So we will either play game after game, or we will choose a set number of games and play only that amount. But ultimately, we can never really stop, because we both want to beat each other more, so we will play again soon to regain a winning position. It is just so silly. It is something that we can laugh about, and something that we can start to recognize more in our more serious discussions. We have definitely come a long way, and we both don’t argue like we used to. We are better at trying to ally ourselves together by trying to figure out the truth of the matter rather than thinking we already know the truth and trying to convince the other person. But as we discovered, our stubbornness is strong, and will not disappear easily. And in the end, neither of us really win.

Growing Together While Apart

One thing that has remained constant from the beginning of our relationship is the fact that we grow closer while we are apart. There have been so many cases where we have been separated. For example, when I would go home for the summers, when we would take a break from our relationship due to irreconcilable differences, and just because we didn’t live at each other’s places (so when we would go home for the night and not see each other until the next day). I have so many memories of this happening. I was coming back to Lubbock, I had been gone all Summer to Fort Worth. This was the first summer since I went to college, so Joel and I had barely even begun dating yet. I had decided over the summer that I didn’t want to date Joel, so as I was returning to Lubbock, we were to just be friends. As friends, he was going to help me move in because my parents were helping my sister move in California. But the moment we saw each other, we were so excited! We smiled all big and hugged, and after we did all of the moving, we are at my favorite place at the time Olive Garden. Another time I recall this was when we would be on a break due to some argument. We would try to not see each other for a week and then get back together to discuss how we felt. When we got back together (probably didn’t even wait out the whole week), we hugged! Not planned, and not expected. And then when we argued a lot, and leave each other in the evenings due to an argument, I would come to school the next day all mad and upset with Joel, but you know what happened the first thing I saw him? I smiled! I was so mad at myself. But I couldn’t stop smiling. So I had to inform him that I was still mad at him, even though I was smiling. But that didn’t really work. I recall walking towards our classroom (we shared a graduate class one semester) and I began to smile thinking about him in there, so I turned around and went to the bathroom to get rid of my smile, because I was really upset with him, but right when I got almost to the classroom door, I smiled again. I couldn’t make the smile stop, I bit my cheek and tongue and nothing worked. So I entered with a huge smile on my face, which always makes Joel smile.

Today, this still shows up in our relationship. Yesterday, I woke up from a nap in a really grumpy mood. And Joel is under a lot of stress with his classes right now. So I was frustrated with him for a lot of little reasons, and he was feeling bad due to all the stress and then my grumpy mood. So we were a little disconnected. Then I got out to go to the grocery store while he took a nap. As it turns out, I got my hair cut before I went to the store. After getting my hair done, I really missed Joel and wanted to be with him. He agreed to come to the store with me, because he had missed me a lot too while I was gone. Usually the first thing I do when he comes home from classes is greet him excitedly. We just miss each other a lot after being apart. It has definitely kept us together through many times. How can you stay mad at someone who makes you smile no matter how you are feeling?

Reflecting on the Wedding

Joel & I were having a “heated discussion” the other day while going for a walk. As we were talking, Joel asked me if I still liked him. I said that I always like him. When we were dating and having heated arguments I would wonder if I should like him, I would wonder if this would work out or if we will ever resolve our differences. But I told him that now, I never doubt us. I might get frustrated about something, but I have never regretted or worried about our commitment to each other. I also added that after such a wonderful wedding like we had, there is no way we could separate. It would just make life make no sense at all. It got us thinking about how special the wedding was to us. The wedding truly felt tremendous, it didn’t just feel like another day or like a performance. There was so much that happened. I felt so connected to my family, a new connection to his family and a significant connection to Joel. It was wonderful because so many people had helped out and participated and so many things came together so wonderfully that we could feel there was a higher presence involved in unifying us. After saying that, I felt so much better, and our “heated discussion” couldn’t continue. We both noticed that the mood had changed, and we just loved each other.

Rereading what I just wrote reminded me of when my sister, Lindsay, made a comment when we were younger that my writing was too happy and boring! I was offended of course, but it is true. When I am happy, it is pretty happy. And what I wrote above is true, so I wanted to write it. I recall not believing that the wedding was going to be the most special day of my life. I felt bogged down with all the planning and big production of it all. I was worried about the religious aspects of my family being Baptist and the wedding being in a Catholic church. I was worried about the food and how to get everything all set up, worried that we couldn’t afford most of the wedding. I just felt like it was just some big expensive production that had fallen away from some real true meaning. But all of those thoughts and worries were totally gone the day of the wedding. It was just everything everyone always says that I thought sounded silly but now realize is true. The wedding was incredible and magical, and I did feel amazing, and my family and I all cried so much and felt so strongly for each other and it meant so much to Joel and I to have our sisters and brothers in the wedding, to have so many of mine and Joel’s family attend, and all the generosity of the people who helped us pay for certain things or who worked hard to help us with everything. It was truly amazing. So I am happy to write how wonderful it was and how much it is still happily printed in our memories and that Joel and I do think about the wedding and that the thought of the wedding dispels some heated discussions we have. All the people involved really did work together to make that day special for us, and in that sense they all helped in unifying us because it is such a significant thing to have all these people send us their love and show us God’s love, and witness us joining together.

I am truly thankful for that because I recall reading in a psychology book that was studying divorce that the couples who couldn’t remember anything good about their wedding day were more likely to get divorced than those couples who would think back and recall it with love and deep emotion. It was like the memory of the wedding day helped their marriage last. Of course this is not the case for all. But it makes me so grateful for our wedding because each person who was there and who send us their love contributed in making the wedding such a wonderful event in our minds that it could be part of what keeps us together in the future, especially in today’s world of so many divorces. I don’t even know how to thank everyone for that gift, which is why I have to turn it to God because it is such a great gift that everyone is responsible for letting love work through them, but no one person is responsible for the wonderful whole that came of it.

From “Me” to “We”

I am still in the newly married category, and I have realized that I need to think more about what it means to do something for “us” rather than for “me.” I think I am still viewing what I am doing, being at home, as a “me” thing. Even though I thought that I viewed it as an “us” thing. For one thing, I have been enjoying myself so much that it hardly feels like a sacrifice or work. I have loved cooking and the cleaning hasn’t been so bad yet. I am also enjoying growing and learning in my other projects as well. But I realized I that I should think about this subject more this past weekend when Joel and I tried to clean up the house together. Really, I wanted us to move in our stuff more, since we still had things that needed to “find a home” and since he has about a million boxes in our room full of books. But as we were beginning to work, I noticed Joel make a comment that seemed so cliché, he said that he has been working all week and didn’t want to clean on Friday. Because he doesn’t work on Friday, so it provides him some off time. As it turns out, we did end up moving some of our stuff around, which I think is good. Joel and I haven’t totally moved in, and we do need to continue to put things away so that we don’t have boxes in the room anymore. But I realized that he really has been working all week and have I? Yes, I have been working too, at home. But I remembered that part of my working at home is to take care of cleaning and putting things away so that he doesn’t have those jobs at home on top of his teaching. I realized that we were a team, I don’t have to prepare for classes, turn in paper work, grade papers, and create lectures. He does that. And thanks to him doing that, I have time to cook, clean, educate myself and do my crafts. It’s not so much that I realized that I should be taking care of everything and he shouldn’t lift a finger at home. But I guess I finally got it that I do want to make sure that he doesn’t have the extra stress of house stuff. He has been doing great with school, but I can tell that he can get a little stressed if he has to worry about much other than school. So I want to do a better job of thinking about us.

I know that when we have kids, I don’t want it to be where I am the only one cleaning every one’s messes, the children need to clean up after themselves. And Joel and I were talking about how we had to start with us. If we have good habits, then the children will cooperate with those habits easier. So Joel does have to pick up after himself, and he does. He does help me fill the dishwasher after eating, and he will clean up the various messes he makes. But every once in a while, maybe because I didn’t have the dishwasher emptied before we ate, then he wont do the dishes after we eat. And I think for a minute that he should be helping me with this. But then I realize, really it is ok because I have the time to do the dishes and he doesn’t. So when we have kids, and when I have less time due to having kids, then Joel might have to do a little extra work around the house. But that is how Joel & I agreed to live. We agreed to not have our roles automatically decided for us, but that instead we should do what makes sense to us in the current situation, knowing it can change when our situations change. So for now, while Joel is a new teacher and is under a lot of stress and while I am working at home without having children yet, I can pick up a lot more housework than him.

Another thing that I want to think more about is preparing for having children. And in this case, I mean preparing for teaching them. I want to prepare my soul for the attitudes I want to take towards my children, prepare my mind for the religious and educational things I want to teach them. So in this regard, Joel and I have started to read the bible daily, and I am also going to educate myself more on homeschooling. Although, first, I guess I have chosen to reread Heidegger’s book called Being & Time because Joel and I had a conversation about one of the topics, and it made me want to read it again. Basically, I want to keep “us” in mind again, though. I want to be sure that the things I am making time for at home are primarily things for us. Preparing for homeschool is something that we as parents need to do if we are serious about it. So that is definitely for us. And working on my soul is important for us too, just as Joel takes time out to work on his soul as well.

Consequently, I just want to keep working on that shift from thinking about “me” to thinking about “us.” It is all part of the process of coming together that we vowed to do.

A Glimpse of our Married Life

When Joel & I were dating, pretty much the only things we would argue about would have to do with deep religious, philosophical or value beliefs. Those disagreements were ugly, difficult and challenging. We would talk for hours, and it seemed we would get paralyzed in our conversations. We would get to a point where we just didn’t agree, couldn’t see eye to eye. We simply held different views and we didn’t see how to reconcile them.

It now seems like forever since we argued like that, even though it has been a little over a year and even though we argued like that for about 3 years. In so many ways, even though it was so tough and unpleasant, we are both thankful for those discussions. We really challenged each other and grew so much. Growing hurts! But I love being able to grow with Joel. I think it showed us that we can stick together since we worked through such difficult disagreements.

During the past year, we both grew closer together and finally reconciled a lot of our differences, hence the reason we felt able to get married (to become one). We know better how to discuss our differing points of view and we also see the other’s perspective more clearly and with deeper understanding.

But now, since we have been married, we are having our first real arguments that are “normal.” I say normal because while other couples I knew were arguing over some miscommunication or “you didn’t call me” triviality, we were arguing over abortion, interpreting certain biblical passages and other issues. Before it was such a strong feeling that we had to work it out or we couldn’t continue on. We couldn’t be together if we held such opposing beliefs. We couldn’t truly become one if we were so different. And so now, I can honestly say that it is a joy to argue over these little things. If you heard us, you will probably hear Joel get frustrated and raise his voice, and me get frustrated and cry, but that lasts about 5 minutes, and then I start laughing. I am able to step back and say, you know what, I don’t really care. I don’t really care that you want to organize your files before we clean the closet together, I don’t really care that you want me to put the toilet paper roll on the holder. Everyone argues a little, and we quickly realize that we aren’t understanding each other right or that we just had different ideas of how we wanted to do something. But it is such a wonderful feeling to know, only 5 minutes into an argument that it really doesn’t matter. That this isn’t a matter that we can’t become one over. This isn’t a matter that will make me question our ethical perspectives. This is just the daily learning to live with another person, and we just need to stop our emotions and learn to see where the other person is coming from. Having those past philosophical arguments make me find joy in these trivial ones. It seems funny, but it just feels great to know that even though we disagreed, that it doesn’t matter and we can work it out easily. And even if we really disagreed on which room we should start cleaning first, we can agree to disagree and begin cleaning separately. So I am just enjoying having little arguments, that are easy to work out and that bring us closer.

Oh the blisses of our married life.

Sun Rise, Sun Set

There are many things in life that we have to do over and over again, pretty much until we die. Some are: cooking, cleaning: house, ourselves, pets, cars, etc…, filling the car with gas, eating, sleeping, waking, exercising, resting, smiling, crying, praying, making decisions, figuring out where to go and what to do, learning, growing, changing, and I am sure there is much more.

A few years ago, I first thought about this daily repetition when I was taking an existentialism class. The existentialists I was reading were pointing out that you are never “finished”, “a good person”, “being” – that instead you are always continuing on, striving to be good, and becoming. It doesn’t matter how many nice things you do, you can lose it all by never doing any thing nice again or by doing something horrible. You have to constantly be making choices that will define who you are.

When I thought about this concept, I really liked it. It seemed true to me, I do have to continue on, I am not finished. And I see many people who think that they are great just as they are, that they have already established themselves as “good” or “smart” and they don’t continue progressing. And just like a car, the less you use it, the less it will work. So the “smart” person who doesn’t continue to learn will eventually be surpassed by those who are continuing to learn.

But you have to really think about what is worth striving for. Do you really want to spend your time striving to be so thin, to be rich, to be seen as attractive by so many people? You have to think about what is worth striving for.

Striving takes energy, a lot of it. Relentless energy. You have to keep eating, every day, whether you feel like making food or not. If you don’t then you will suffer the consequences. The same goes with your mind and soul. They need to grow and learn, and if you don’t feel your mind or your soul, you will become deficient in some way.

These are somewhat old thoughts to me, today’s more recent thoughts have to do with cleaning. I was doing such a great job of keeping the house clean, but I wasn’t doing much else. Recently, I stopped cleaning so much and did a lot of work on my blogs and thank you cards from the wedding, among other things. And now I feel accomplished in those areas, but the apartment is quickly needing attention. This is why I like to schedule. Because it is the best way I can deal with the things that must be done daily, over and over again.

I thought back to existentialism because I recalled being joyous in the idea of constantly growing and striving. I really enjoyed giving a lot of energy to learning, reading, writing, working out and eating. And daily constant things are a nice part of life. They are the part that is the same but different. That keeps things familiar enough for me to be comfortable with, but different enough to not get bored. So instead of letting this cleaning get me down, I want to recall the joy there can be found in constant striving. There can be joy in constant cleaning. Because work always has to be done, but I can reflect on why I am cleaning. I want a happy, healthy, inviting home. One that can welcome people in without worrying about the mess. One that is full of nice smells from cooking. A home that makes you feel comfortable and happy. This is certainly a goal worth striving for daily. And even though I will clean it perfectly once, doesn’t mean it will stay like that. I have to keep it up.

To me it seems like many people view the endlessness of tasks and the constancy of life to be boring and weighs them down. They seem to want action, change, something more. They don’t want to be stuck in a rut. And some feel meaningless. Like the Bright Eyes song where he says the sun rises and the sun sets, from a cradle to a casket, its always the same thing. So the sun comes up and goes down, daily, humans are born and die daily, and its all meaningless. Well, that’s not the way I view it. The amazing things in life aren’t so much found on the outside. When you look at it, it might seem like humans are born and die every day and the sun comes up no matter what, so who cares. But really, the most spiritual, peaceful, wonderful, exciting parts of life happen on the inside. They have to do with the way you face the world. It is true that there are always tragedies happening and wonderful things too, and that there is always laundry to do, but what I think is interesting is how different people can be so happy and so unhappy doing the same activities.

It seems to me that humans are made to do things over and over. Because each time I do those things, I feel myself growing in some way or another. And good things usually come of doing those daily things. It is interesting, but the more energy you spend, the more you will have. I only get bogged down when I don’t think about it. I can’t escape it. I can’t move away, get a different job, go somewhere else. I will always have to do things over and over. If I want to love life, the answer is not going to be found getting away from these daily things, but by accepting and finding joy in those things. So the sun rises, and the sun sets and I am ok with that.

Natural Family Planning or any other Natural Fertility Method

This post is mainly in response to a comment that was left on my recent post. I have looked into the natural fertility planning, it has many different titles depending on who is teaching it. As far as I know, Catholics call it Natural Family Planning, and I have also heard it called Natural Fertility, and now Fertility Awareness Method. No matter what you call it, the method described basically refers to being aware of how a female body works, specifically how her ovulation and menstruation works. After reading many books on it, I am amazed just how little I knew about my body! I truly believe that every girl should be taught the things in these books because to me it isn't a religious thing or anything other than a female thing. We claim to have "health" classes in which we are supposed to learn about our bodies, well I discovered that we learn almost nothing. So I definitely think all girls should be informed about how their bodies work and should talk about the changes they are going through. Rather than be confused, mystified and maybe even scared and grossed out.

I also liked the ideas that most of those books generally advocate, which is that when a man and a woman are having sex, they should just pay attention to the woman's body and work with her cycle, rather than trying to control or change it. I liked this idea because I didn't want to get on birth control pills, and mess with my hormones and deal with side effects or any other thing involved with taking such drugs. But that could be said to be easy for me to say. I know many women with irregular, painful and prolonged periods. I will not claim to know what is best for everyone. But for my body, the natural fertility awareness changed how I looked at my body.

However, just because I can chart my cycle and know when I am ovulating doesn't mean that I can be in control of all the factors involved. And that's what I discovered recently. I thought I would get pregnant the first time because I knew when I was supposed to be ovulating. But I did just have a wedding, with a lot of stress, and I have been moving around, and not eating consistently. And I definitely believe another factor that plays into it is the stressing out over wanting to get pregnant. And so even though I have read about the natural family planning method, I haven't gotten pregnant yet because there is a lot to my body. But thatis just how life is, you can't control or understand it all. Part of life is just enjoying it and praying. So I don't think about getting pregnant all the time. I just enjoy being married and all the other millions of interests I have. And when I am blessed with a child, I will be happy!

My New "Job"

Well, I haven’t written during the month of July, but I had a good excuse, I was getting married! However, now I have almost gone the whole month of August without writing too! That’s too long.

I have learned an interesting thing about getting pregnant. If you really want to get pregnant, you might not be able to. I think there is something funny going on with my body. In my experience, I cannot choose to get pregnant, it is just going to have to happen without me trying to will it. Because last month, my wanting to be pregnant so much made me think I was pregnant, and it delayed my period! I couldn’t believe. The day I took a test, two weeks after my missed period, I thought for sure it would say yes or positive. But it was a negative. I was surprised. Then where was my period? That night, I started my period. I was only able to start my period once I realized that I wasn’t pregnant. I think I fooled my body into thinking it was pregnant. It Might sound silly, but it doesn’t matter. It’s too coincidental to me to happen to start my period two weeks late, and not start until the very day that I discovered for sure that I wasn’t pregnant. So the new plan is to not think about pregnancy at all. (notice that the title of this blog is no longer called Reflections of Pregnancy & Parenting!)

Which is easy enough. I just moved into my new place, and I have many things to do. Everyone keeps asking if I have a job or plan on getting one yet. The answer is no. It seems like there is a popular attitude that all people aren’t really contributing to the family unless they are working. I do not believe that is right. I do believe in the idea that there is a lot that needs to be done and that its not the best for my family (me and Joel) to have us both working.

I only consider getting a job when I look at our finances. They are tight. But I know it is going to be ok. I don’t want to just go out and get any job. If I work, I want to do work that I love and that I am good at. Not just be a secretary or something. But I left my career path. And the only other career path I think I might enjoy at this time would be getting a masters in philosophy and teaching as well. But that’s not what I really want. What I really want now is to turn in this new direction that I have been feeling called to go in since I was in Pittsburgh. I want to be a mom, a wife, to be at home. I want to keep the house clean, I want to cook, I love cooking actually. I want to do all that because it all is something that I can get better at and it will allow Joel and I to have a warm, happy, healthy home. This stuff I am doing takes up so much time! It is certainly a full time job. And we aren’t making money off of it. But there is more to life than money. Our quality of life is going up. We are so happy at every meal we eat. And we have a nice place to share with everyone.

And I am mainly talking about cooking and cleaning because that is all I have time do to right now. But I fully anticipate that to not take so long once I get into it more. I will find more efficient ways to do things. And once everything is in its place then it will not take long to get into a cleaning schedule where everything will run smoother and with less thought involved. My plan then is of two kinds. One I am going to be involved in continuing my education by reading various books and subjects. Mostly it will be philosophy and psychology since I have accumulated so many good books that I haven’t been able to read yet. But I also want to prepare myself to be a good homeschool teacher. I know that there are so many ways to homeschool and so many options, I want to better prepare myself for it. And when I do get pregnant, I will continue to write my thoughts about that. I also have had some ideas for possible books to write. They might never be publishable, but that is to be decided after they are written not before. So again, I don’t know if my writing, reading, thinking, cleaning, crafting, and cooking will lead to anything in terms of money. But the effect it will all have on our house, on our relationship, on me and on our children will be immeasurable. I do feel called to be home, pursuing these things. To me I feel like my presence and all the fruits of my labor will be more beneficial to my self and my family than if I were to bring in a steady amount of income as well and both Joel and I worked equally on chores and cooking.

I am not saying every woman should work at home or not have a career. But I am saying that Joel and I have come to an agreement together of how we wanted our marriage to be. What our roles and jobs would be. And this is what is working out best for us. We are both happy, both enjoying the benefits of each other’s work, and we are both working happily together to do the things the other can’t do at the same time. So am I working, yes I am working. And I am loving every minute of it, even though it is challenging and consumes a lot of energy. I think that is how Joel feels about his teaching as well.

June Special - Recipes!!

I have hardly even been home for the past month! I have been on so busy that I haven’t spent much time focusing on reading about pregnancy. Especially since my wedding is approaching quickly and things need to get done. I have been continuing to work on preparing my body for pregnancy in terms of trying to eat right. It’s been very difficult to eat right since I have been all over the place and never home, and for that reason I did decide to buy some vitamins and folic acid pills. But now I am settled back down for a few fleeting weeks before the wedding, and I have been trying out all these wonderful recipes from this book I bought called The Healthy Pregnancy Cookbook by Jane Middleton and George Rapitis. I have loved the book so far and highly recommend it to everyone, not just pregnant women because the recipes are really yummy! Ask Joel!! So I have decided to just post recipes for this month, and I have tried to take pictures of the food. However, now that I am with Joel for a while, we lack the proper set up and dishes to make pretty pictures. Hopefully you can just focus on the picture of the food and imagine if you might like it or not based on the ingredients. I think that’s pretty much all I’ll be posting until after the wedding.

White Bean & Butternut Squash Soup

This is one of the recipes I got from the Healthy Pregnancy Cookbook. Joel and I loved it! The ingredients inculde: butternut squash, white onion, white beans (navy beans), olive oil, thyme, garlic, spicy tomatoes, tomato paste, chicken broth, parsley and cayenne. The butternut squash was unbelievably good. It has changed my life! From now on I am going to try to eat butternut squash at least once a week! Also I have heard from Joel's mom that there have been claims that eating orange vegitables can increase your chances of twins!

Mashed Sweet Potatoes

Joel really loved these potatoes, and I was really surprized at the idea of such unique and tasty potatoes! The ingredients were: sweet potatoes, white onions, chives, cream cheese, and picante sause (I added this in place of the red peppers that the recipe called for). The sweet potatoes gave it a sweet taste, and then mixed with the cream cheese and picante was just great! Definitely try this out!