We are One

I was reading a book about mothering and it was mentioning the idea that some people have today regarding babies and their mothers. Many people have the idea that the babies are going to have to get used to mom not being there, because “he cant be with mom forever” or “mom cant always help you” or some other thing about how you are on your own in this world and need to learn to do things yourself and cant depend on others. I then came to the realization that we really aren’t alone in this world. That we really are together with others!

First, when a baby is young, he really is dependent on the mother. He really is part of her. While the child is young, he definitely lives in a world where the mother is always there. In Max’s case for example, I am always there. And there is no point in making him learn to go to sleep alone or be ok without me because while he is so young, he does need a caretaker at all times. He still needs me there. And there is nothing stopping me from being there. And by the time he is older, he will not need me anymore in the same way. But we always need a family, and I will always be there for him just as my parents are always there for me and Joel’s family is there for us too. We are certainly not alone. When you are young, then you do have someone there always, and then when you are older, your family should still be close and loving and helpful – you aren’t all alone and others do care for you.

Then when you get married, you and your husband become one. In which case, you aren’t living the lives of two separate people, but as a unit.

I have learned that I was trained to do Joel’s job, I went to school and value everything work and academic related. I was praised for making good grades, meeting deadlines, writing good papers, making good points in class, etc… All the other stuff, like bills, laundry, cleaning, etc… were at the back of my mind, and something I wished I didn’t have to deal with. Also something I didn’t have much time for while I was totally focused on the many things involved in my schooling.

It has certainly been a process in learning about motherhood, being a wife and specifically learning to value these important jobs, tasks, and responsibilities of the home and family. We are definitely not trained to value these things. But I am seeing now how vital a good home is to everyone’s happiness.

I realize now that Joel’s job is definitely to be valued, just as I learned, but that my jobs are to be valued too. And that is because they go together. When I was in school, I had to do all the jobs, and so did Joel. And I didn’t do them very well (place was never cleaned, didn’t cook good foods, late a lot on making calls to things like insurance or credit cards). So now that we are married and have a family, we are one, so it makes sense to split up the jobs. Since I don’t have all these deadlines, and students, and teaching responsibilities, then I do have the ability to focus on all the home stuff. Keeping things clean, keeping up with our money, doing laundry, cooking and generally taking care of Max. And taking care of Joel. I have learned the value to these jobs because they make life so much less stressful. There is so much more time for doing things that we love. And we feel happy and together. We feel like we cant live without each other. we both think, what would I do without you. He makes it so I can stay at home, because Max and I are one, and I make it so that Joel can go to work because Joel and I are one. So it’s great!

I realized that it is hard to do everything alone, but that when you join with a partner in marriage, you aren’t alone. You now have your family and both extended families to care for everyone.

I feel like one feminist idea today is to realize how separate we are, and I think that is leading us in the wrong direction. Because we are one – one with our babies, one with our husbands! We don’t need “time away” or “time off” or “alone time”.

So I am teaching max that he lives in a world where he is loved, cared for and part of a family. He has his mom and dad, and so many wonderful family members on both sides. Then as he gets older, we will always be there for him, and he will marry too. Then he and his wife can take care of each other and their children. In this case, you don’t have to be prepared for being alone because this life isn’t a lonely place!

First Year Of Being Parents

I haven’t blogged once about our marriage since Max’s birth. Things change when you have a baby. I always feel the desire to write about everything up to now, but that would take longer than I have time for, so here are a few thoughts about our first year with our first baby.

The birth was an amazing experience for us both, we both felt closer than we ever felt before. The few weeks after the birth were good, but we also started to have different roles and experiences. I laid in bed all day, breastfed, stayed home for 3 months, had all kinds of hormones, changes and feelings, felt the ups and downs, was trying to get used to my body, and wasn’t stressed but did have to go hours at a time without eating or peeing while I was home alone with the baby who was sleeping on my breast. Joel on the other hand, experienced a bunch of things to do at first, diapers, diapers, and more diapers, and had to get used to dealing with me and the baby, but didn’t have all the experiences of sleep deprivation and not getting to pee when he wanted to. He had to run all the errands (since me and the baby stayed home for the first 3 months) and he went to work. We tried to keep talking and sharing our experiences to stay connected even though we were going through different things.

The first few months got progressively harder, there were many times of us arguing or getting disconnected. We realized a few things that helped us work through our problems. For one, we didn’t touch much anymore, so we tried to work on touching more. We also just found that we both had very little time to sit around and do whatever we wanted, like watch movies, blog, read a book, etc… It was certainly an adjustment, but a good one since we loved the baby so much and we loved each other. I am so thankful that I married Joel since everything is so different now. My body is so different than before, and sex isn’t something that I am interested in and that makes me happy that our relationship doesn’t just revolve around looks or sex. Joel makes me feel like a beautiful person and makes me appreciate the changes that becoming a mother brings. I also had a lot of working through ideas regarding valuing what I do by staying at home. Joel has been a wonderful supporter of that too. I know that when I am doing is important and valuable, but I can get caught up in the current worldy values and forget sometimes. I am happy to become a mother because I feel like the experience does make you see so many things that you don’t see when you aren’t a parent. I feel like Joel and I have a more mature relationship with each other and we spend our time a little better and we think about important things more. Having a baby has helped us to not be so selfish. It also brings us more in a community, everyone seems to enjoy babies!

I feel like we have come a long way now, my ideas about so many things have completely changed, and my relationship with Joel has gotten stronger. I now cant fathom being apart from Joel. Thanks Max for making us better people! I cant imagine having a second baby right now though! I will have to watch how Steph does it since she is just about to have her second baby, then maybe I will feel like we can do it too! (we still want to have many children, and we will, I just cant imagine it! Haha)